Undo please

Sometimes you wish that you could just 'Undo' things like you would on a PC so that you could do it right. An embarassing thing happened just now. Hope that episode will be erased from the person's mind....Euuuuugghhhhhhh!!!!!! I am so not going to wear this thing this way anymore.

Stress Therapy

Yesterday- after the work stress, friend stress and etc stress, tidied my work and emailed BB2 to set a meeting at 3:30pm. Waited and waited for him to reply his usual short .."Hi, See you then" but none came. So, decided that if he didn't reply by 5pm, I'm out of here. Where else but shop till I drop. Shopping (o bad habit of mine) is my personal therapy for stress. Took the 5:25 bus to town- got off and went to SuperDrug to get moisturizer and shampoo- but it was closed. So, had to walk further down the cobbled streets to the much expensive version of Superdrug ie. Boots. After contemplating on which moisturizer to buy, for which i need to think of aging vs non-aging, rich vs light, expensive vs not that expensive etc.. too many important factors to consider before deciding on a bottle (oh..and what kind of bottle- tube vs squeeze vs pump ) of moisturizer- finally I got my stuff!. After, had to search around for a door out of Boots as all the other doors were locked for it's nearing closing time. Asked one of the ladies (should've done this sooner) and finally found the door.
The street outside was deserted... only a handfull of people were sitting around...several street sellers were clearing out their merchandise into vans, an antique dealer was still talking to a lady customer but all the other shops are closed and I had to go somewhere else to shop..really, going home is not an option. I need somewhere else to release my uptight emotions. Without thinking twice, found myself into a 'I could do better with a clean' cab to ASDA. To conpensate for the not plush ambience of the car, the driver was quite a gentleman-ok la.. opened the door for me, he did. He didnt strike a conversation though, I guess because he saw I was too busy with my mobile. Was sending text messages to dear sistas back home -"Tension arini (today). Splurging cash at the moment! ".
At ASDA, I spent- spent and spent. After 3 hours, took another cab home. After all that, I felt better but not enough .. infact a wee bit tired ..(so much for therapy!) . The cab fare alone to ASDA had cost me a return bus ticket to London :(. Anyway, had salad for dinner, watched the last episode of FRIENDS (which was rather dissapointing, they didn't really end it with a bang), then watched the very 'selamba' Jonathan Ross on BBC1 (who tried to cajoled Janet Jackson to talk about the Superbowl thing by first asking her about the tatoos on her body..hehe). After changing channels..drifted off to sleep.

It's one of those days again

There are days when you are so fragile that you just can't be bruised.
An unkind temperament in a rush of words will just set the water flowing.
To hope that your peers to whom you care and thought that they would, do the same, to understand or be like you ..
Perhaps is just a futile dream

The flow would continue no matter how hard you block them
Sometimes you wish that you can just shout out loud
But who are you to kid, you can't even scream on a roller coaster ride
to ride a storm would be near impossible
So, you just let it brew in the tea-cup
Let it subside
Let it die
.. and you try to detach yourself yet once again

Time is running

Updated my Gantt chart today. This time, - extended the time line upto the third year ie. everyone's expected deadline. It's not that far off. One year and three months is NOT that long. With His help, I have got to get through this.

Coffees drinkers vs Non-coffee drinkers

Another ranty. I have come to terms that I feel strongly against coffee drinkers. Don't they know that the aroma from their cuppa make non-coffee drinkers sick! Why can't these people drink plain water instead if they really want to keep alert?

Today

Called home. Mom said Linda's gone out with her long-time suitor. The guy has been pursuing her since high school and has never given up. At last, she's trying to check him out after brushing him off for years. I hope things will work out for her. Along and her troops came for a day visit. Abang Ayin is so into Josh Groban now. He only came to the phone to talk to me when his mom said that Josh Groban is on the line.. hmmm..for a 5-year old, he sure has taste!

I may have been spared

A friend chatted to a stranger yesterday. Based on the info. that he gave her, it seemed that he just might be the same person that another friend tried to hook me up with not too long ago. But back then, I was 'preoccupied' with other 'things', so I wasn't interested in anybody else, so the 'hooking' up didnt materialize. The friend told me that this stranger confessed that he doesnt smoke nor does he drink but he has 'made out'. If this person is the same guy (hopefully not), and we were introduced and who knows what may lead from there.. I am not sure whether I can live with it. Perhaps I have been spared. The last I heard about the guy is that he is getting married to another friend's friend. Insya Allah he is a changed man now.

Tis Hot in here

The weather has been too warm for comfort these past few days. It's 20 degrees outside but here in the office it's like topping another 12 degrees. I guess it's because the ventilation for the buildings here caters more to the cold condition rather than the hot spring-summer weather...and we don't have the luxury of air-conditioning like we have in Malaysia. In effect, just today - office mate made himself veeery comfortable by changing into shorts after lunch....ooo boy!

I did it all to myself

When I failed to achieve the things that I have set out to do due to my lack of self-discipline, carelessness, laziness, failure to prioratize, always taking things for granted, always procrastinating, then I will feel miserable at the end of it all. Astaghfirullah al-adzim Allazi la ila ha illahuwal haiyul qaiyum wa atubu ilaih.

Being cornered

These English with their subtlety in some things never ceased to amaze me.

I have not had a meeting with BB1 for nearly 3 months now. This is by far the longest ever since he came back from sabbatical! Reason being, I needed to finish the report that BB2 wants me to do and one thing leads to another...hence the 3 months. During these times, I have been dodging BB1 like mad, apart from those coincidental encounters. At times, I felt guilty when he caught me and BB2 discussing along the corridor. The thing is, BB1 makes me nervous. I notice that I talked incoherently(like someone who cannot talk English) to him if I go to the meeting unprepared. Resulting in awkward moments and by the end feeling demotivated. Not that I don't go to BB2 unprepared. But if preparation to see BB2 takes 10 minutes,the Preparation to meet BB1 would take 1 week, including writing to him an email, listing down items to discuss in the meeting.

Just half an hour ago, BB1 knocked on my door. I was on the phone, he said he'll come back later. I then knocked on his door..naturally. He said he wanted to know 'Were we supposed to meet this week, because I must have missed it in in my diary'... Funny ..funny.. he bloody well knows that the reason he did not write the 'meeting' in his diary because there isn't suppose to be one! OOOh Phil u are such a darling..Rather than saying ..I command you to come and see me this week because it's high time that we discuss things, he just made-believed that I had come to him in his dream and asked for a meeting! Obviously I can't put off seeing him much longer, and since I've been cornered, I said ooo I am just going to email you for an appointment(I was goin to anyway). Could we do it Friday? ..last day of the week.. ;).

To KWSP or To Pension

I received a gentle reminder from the faculty a few days ago that I should be counting-down the days of my golden-age years from now. They want me to choose between a sack of money from the KWSP or a modest fix amount of RM monthly flow from the Pension Scheme once i retire. I'm not sure about the pros and cons of each. Being a 'rational but not always' spendthrift as I am and having my parents as my money managers still even at erm..30, I would quickly choose the pension scheme as I know I would get a steady income every month and not declare bankruptcy a few months after retirement. I feel that it is unfair for the employer to just throw the form at us and expect us to submit 'dengan kadar segera' (a.s.a.p). Don't they realize that this choice that I am about to make is crucial for the sake of my future? What they should have done is to attach some sort of brochure or pamplet explaining about these two choices so that people can make up their mind with assurance and with some basic knowledge. Mom said it is better for a woman to take the pension scheme and a senior colleague commented that the pension scheme has a lot of medical benefit. And both also agree that the KWSP would be better if you are planning on investing the lump sum of money on a business or a long term investment. But today I found out that it is also possible for the KWSP money to be withdrawn like the Pension scheme way which is by monthly. Thinking about it again even if the KWSP can be paid to us like a Pension scheme would, will it still have the other benefits that the Pension scheme has like the medical benefit. And if I withdraw my money monthly, will they guarantee that I can get the whole amount that I am supposed to get if I had a sudden change of heart and want it in lump sum? Or do they have a catch somewhere on this matter? The only plus points that i can think of at the moment of the KWSP is the ability to withdraw in large amount at one time. Think i still need to do some more homework on this one, I would need to know ALL the 'catch' that they have on each of the schemes before I can commit myself and the faculty will just have to wait for my reply. The truth is, I don't trust the government with my keeps.

Sabar

Never before have I felt like smashing my PC but last night I was in a rage. And I can't blame it on my PMS either as I've just had my period two weeks ago. The problem: My mouse wasn't working. It failed to move! Tried almost everything ..yes the operative word here is almost. I tried to plug in various types of mouse (optical/wireless), tried shutting down the PC and then on again (it did work last time)..but to no avail. My head was spinning, I can be declared as temporarily not sane as I was silently blaming everything or everyone else around me for making my mouse 'sick'. I was hating the fact that my office mate was working wayy past his normal hours as at that moment I felt like needing space..like lots of it i.e the whole office to myself! But this morning, I was in a pro-active mode, i tried again another mouse, this time one with a USB connection... and Alhamdulillah it works! This just shows that the state of mind makes you work wonders- Subhanallah!

Stork

A stork told me that a couple i know is having a baby. Met the wife on the bus today (was in one of my no mood to walk to the uni mode). Said that she's going to the Medical centre at the uni. When the bus stopped, only then I realized that she is heavily pregnant.....I was overjoyed! Overjoyed that ___ (the hubby) is having a baby.. cheeky man..hehe. Baby's going to be due in June.... hmmm that means (counting fingers) conceived right after they moved to that new house. I am very happy for both of them. It must be difficult when your country only allows 1 child per family but now that they are out of the country, then they're ok. Have often wondered the 'love-level' in his life.But now with the baby coming.. there's no doubt that the 'L' is high on his agenda. I'm happy for him!
Unfortunately, the wife told me NOT to tell anybody... have to keep quiet then!

The Ultimatum again

A colleague commented to another that BB2 helps me a lot in my work. Alhamdulillah, I have to agree with her on that. The moment i get some significant or insignificant result, I would just rush off and knock on his door. Perhaps in the first year,he did welcome me with open arms but when I was coming into my 2nd year, he started to give me hints that I can't be doing this to him (or me) all the time. On various visits, he would tell me to be more independent.

Just today, he gave me that nudge ... 'You have to put in your own thoughts'..he said. And so today, I have put a small note to remind me that I can't keep on hanging on to him much longer. I have known from the start that this is not going to be a cushy journey!

a Moment of weakness

Human impulses sometimes makes us want to do things that we are not supposed to do. Whenever the possibilities of being out of control is at stake - and you know that once you give in to that urge, there is no turning back. Only with Allah's mercy that you can see things clearly. The Eeman is very subtle and yet the impact is profound.

Italiano in London

Sat in the rear carriage to avoid BB1. He was supposed to take catch the train at Faversham. But when the train reached Faversham- he was nowhere in sight. Perhaps he took an earlier train. Panic stricken caught me when the train nearly reached Victoria, i dingdongly thot that i had lost my mobile, when in fact i did use it earlier in the train. Unashamedly asked the man behind me to call my number from his mobile. Everybody was looking at me as i frantically searched for the phone. And finally found that it has been in my bag allllllll along.. dhoh!

It seems that my 'panic' day didn't end just there. Got off on the wrong underground station. 20 mins journey turned into 45 minutes journey. As a result- turned up late for the meeting. Receptionist kindly showed the backdoor to the meeting. Sat down almost immediately when the guy across the aisle called my name. Waaaa... almost can't believe it. It was Alessandro- attractive looking Italian ex- coursemate from another era. Friedman's talk was as what's in their paper. But the comments from the others were quite informative. Prof Hand from Imperial suggested the 'paired' method that BB2 suggested to me last year - which i didn't get around to do it (BB2 laughed when I told him this morning that the 'great' Hand suggested this to the authors). BB1 was sitting about 2 chairs infront of me. Not sure whether he noticed me or not because when he left early, he didn't even looked or acknowledged when he passed by me!( Areeg later said that this is 'normal' of him... so dun take it personally). After the talk, had a good chat with Aless and Klaudia (another ex- coursemate). I realised that talking to tall people makes my neck strained a bit la.. tinggi sangat dia orang nih! Walked with Aless to the tube station. He is now doing a post doc with Guy Nason at Bristol. On the way, came across a pub. .. asked if i'd like to have a drink.. 'dun you remember that I dun drink la Aless'.. 'you can have water'... (yeah right!!!). Part of me wants to have a drink with him.. but 1- not in a pub, 2- feels too intimate la... he is italian you see..haha! Gave excuse that I have to get a train back early. Parted at Victoria. Got on the 2004 train home before indulging in a double choc cupcake and Cheese pastry from a French outlet.

Quaker - Tim Winters

Cabut from dept at about 1300hr yesterday. Met the rest of the gang at the train station. And off we went to London. There was a dialogue session with Hamza Yusof, Tim Winters, Tim Garton Ash and Terry Waite. The theme was Citizenship, The West and Islam. Interestingly the venue was at the Friend's house owned by the Quaker. I've always thought that the Quakers are like this hermit community who lives in the US living in a sort of orthodoxie way. From the box.. the Quakers are potrayed as people who live on farms- away from the so called civilisation-cooped up in their small little world and wear black dresses. The men would wear black hats (just like the Quaker Oat man from your Quaker oat tin!) and the women wear black dresses with headscarves. Googled away this morning and it seems that these people no longer live like this .. or maybe they have never lived like this. But their main faith is that they believe that each individual has a 'piece' of God in them etc. Not really clear on this one but clearly Astaghfirullah al adzim!

The chairperson or what they call the 'mediator' in dialogues like these was Tim Winters. We have never heard of him before. Before the start of the session, a friend was commenting on why did the organisers let a non-muslim be the mediator..he's bound to be biased at one point or another (The main organiser is a publisher of an Islamic magazine). But ..once he stood at the podium and said 'Assalamualaikum' .. - quoted the hadith of the Prophet (p.b.u.h) and more ayah from the Quran...he really blew me away or rather his knowledge on Islam makes me look like i was borned a Muslim just yesterday! I was like ... Subhanallah... Islam is really a beauty. You dun judge people from the cover but what is inside that counts... what Allah sees that matter.

After the talk. Saudi housemate introduced us to an Arab grocery shop off Edgware Rd. As usual I get a tad excited when it comes to shopping ;). Bought Shawerma-Middle East sandwich at the shop. Got a bit carried away.. took the last train to Kent. Arrived home at nearly 2am... a time when even the milkman has started his morning rounds.

Off to London again today for the RSS meet 8( alone =).

Big Boss 1 is full of surprises today

Met him outside the bank today. Both of us wanted to withdraw some cash but the machine was out of order. So, we ended up walking back to the department together. I started a conversation (as usual) as the walk back is quite a distance. Funnily he didn't seem to want to stop talking to me, not even when we reached his office door. And we were talking like 'unaccademic' stuff! Like him trying to sell his car- and who am i living with- he is starting to take interest in his minions after all..hehe! Finally I had to put the conversation to a stop. But it was a nice feeling. Big Boss 2 is ok if you want to talk about the other stuff but this is a first for Big Boss 1. It really has made my morning!
A few hours after, he knocked on my door.This time he wanted to tell me that there's going to be an RSS meeting tomorrow on the Friedman paper. He was telling me (indirectly) that we(BB2, him and I) could all go the meeting together- how cosy!!! Told him quickly that I might just get a train. The thought of all 3 of us together is like -Yikes!!! But then again it might not be a bad idea after all- but I have to get my head cracking on what to talk to both of them on the way to London!!!